Wednesday, October 19, 2011

When the morning comes

This was the first time we sang together. Josh said he was looking for a female vocalist, and he found me. We've come a long way since then. As of yesterday, our album, "When the Morning Comes" is now on iTunes, Spotify, Amazon, Pandora, Zune, Rhapsody and iHeart Radio. I know God has an amazing plan for this music, and it will go as far, and reach as many people as He wills. I am so blessed to be a part of it.

I'm crazy about this guy.

Josh Joseph Music

Saturday, September 3, 2011

A first

She pushed open the door and walked in, anticipating that crooked smile she loved. She found him downstairs behind the ping pong table messing with some stuff. Turning around he pulled her into a hug as if he had done it a million times before. He didn't let go. His hands slid up and down her back and sides making her feel as if it were her first time to be embraced by a man. He held so tight with so much feeling and curiosity. She was afraid to look back at him, afraid she would lose composure and kiss him. Trying to hide her fascination with the urge to touch his lips, she playfully rubbed her nose against his.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011


Goal of the day: make it to 7:30 pm.

I got to work at 10:30 am after drinking a rather large cup of coffee. So naturally, I have to pee. Coffee is a pee drug, and also a natural laxative which means if I don't have it that day I, most likely, will not poop. I told two male employees that a few days ago over a cup of coffee, and I think I may have shocked them. I love shocking people. They never see it coming from someone like me. I have no problem speaking of the body's daily activities, obviously. I get to work and it just so happens both of the bathrooms are blocked off. A water pipe busted early that morning. No water, no flushing, no relieving oneself. They said they were on top of it, but I think people just say that so others won't panic. The hair salon, subway and the deli had to close down. They ended up taking truck loads of employees to Nelson's Tractors down the road half the day until it was fixed.

Lunch: 3:00 pm.

I decided to go to lunch at McDonalds. There's a first. I have never left work to go to lunch I always eat in the break room. I don't like to eat out alone, I feel like I'm wasting money. Chris was there... he's a cashier I work with who was just offered a raise in the meat department. Goodbye Chris. So I had lunch with him. He's a funny guy. Red hair, plays banjo, goes to Waffle House every night, never stops talking... you know the type. I like him because he's not afraid to say whatever is on his mind, and it's obvious he cares for everyone he meets. I had a good lunch... felt like I got more of a break being away from work... I think I may have to do that more often so I don't feel like passing out the minute I get back on the floor.

Round 2.

The water pipe was fixed. No more customers frantically running around demanding to know why they can't go. As the day went on I began to wonder if there was something on my face or a sign on my back that read: "check me out". First it was a Smith. Patrick went through with his sister, and their nephew, as I found out. He kept waving and saying to call him thinking it was funny... Patrick told me he thought I was gorgeous. A tall black guy came through my line and asked for my number on his receipt. He came through a second time about an hour later and asked again. I told him I had a boyfriend and he refused to let that stop him so he said he'd come back the next day and wait by my car. Cassidy offered to walk me out last night, but I didn't think it possible he'd know which car was mine. If he's there tonight I am going to flip. A man probably nearly thirty made a comment on how I must get hit on a lot with how pretty I am. That's a pick up line if I ever heard one. I told him mostly by creepy old men. He found that hilarious and proceeded to ask me out.
"I have a boyfriend"
"Oh, he probably wouldn't like that, would he?"
"No, he wouldn't."
I love getting to say that.

Round 3.

The day is coming to an end. As usual, we hardly have any cashiers around seven and the lines are so far back you can't walk down the front isle. One of the last ladies I get has a buttload of wic... I almost made it through a day without doing a single wic transaction. She got the wrong milk, of course. (Warning: rant ahead) I don't mind doing wic as long as the customer has things in order and can show me their form and sign in a timely manner... that usually doesn't happen. I do, however, appreciate wic more than food stamps because with wic you can only purchase healthy food, and it only goes 'till the child is six... Whereas food stamps you can get whatever junk you want for as long as you want. I had a woman with three carts--THREE CARTS--of junk, absolutely nothing healthy, $500 on EBT. You can always tell which ones they are too... they're fat, their teeth are falling out, they smoke and they're rude like they don't appreciate the government taking our taxes to feed them junk so they can slowly kill themselves. Wow. Alright so I know some people really do need it and I am happy that there are programs like that to help them... I really am. But there's a difference between needing it, and abusing it.
I clocked out, but then I had to go find my boss. This week we're doing inventory... which means a million people come through the store and check prices---so all day today I will hear that annoying little "beep" their telezones make when they scan a barcode. My boss, or any of my bosses for that matter, are always running around the store and they're impossible to find, let alone talk to. So after chasing Jonathan around the store and the backroom where my creepy admirer old man told me I was looking good, ew, I gave up and wrote him a note... I need some days off for upcoming music events. What a long day.

And yes, Josh and I are dating now. We've been together for seven weeks. The night we came back from Ohio he said we should date.
"Well, are you going to ask me?"
"Not like we're in highschool, I won't... Will you be with me?"

Aside from still having no idea what I'm doing, I am happy.

Monday, April 25, 2011

But it's a musical!!!

"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he's got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."
-Easy A.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

99.9% chance of rain.

Good things about today: An old man told me I was pretty and asked if my husband tells me that everyday. When I said I wasn't married he asked how I manage... good, or bad--that could be taken both ways, I suppose. I made it over 500 items scanned in an hour with a 100 scanning percentage.

Bad things about today: went to bed at 7:30 last night, got up at 5:30, still exhausted. Had a customer yell at me and a CSS for a coupon that wouldn't work. This morning it was super slow and I was bored out of my mind. This afternoon it was super busy and the lines were so backed up people got rude. Had an ex go through my line, although good to see him still alive, it was sad. Found out I can't go to Ohio at the end of this month for worship with the band because they didn't approve the dates I requested off.

I think I'm going to cry.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Sunshine, won't you be my sunshine?

Today was very long. I am completely worn out. I got to work around seven... the only good thing about getting to work that early is that I can watch the sunrise from the parking lot... in fact, I think that was the only good thing about today.
I broke down twice this week. Saturday night, needed engine oil, and today after work... something overheated... I'm not even surprised anymore when a tire blows or the steering wheel all of a sudden locks, or the car starts shaking... yeah... I've broken down so many times in my puny life span I expect it now. What never ceases to amaze me, though, is how people react to seeing you've broken down, are obviously stranded, and in need of assistance. No one ever stops! What a cruel world we live in.
I wake up a lot at night... I hear songs in my head... there's a lot of ideas floating around up there just waiting to be written on paper... get ready people.

I miss him. It hurts to miss him.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Old Couples.

Yesterday I had to leave for work at 6:30. I didn't know they don't unlock the other doors until 7, so I had to walk across the parking lot and run through the store to make it on time. I don't understand why anyone goes grocery shopping at 7 in the morning... unless they've decided to cook a big breakfast and absolutely have to go.
This old man started a conversation with me while waiting for his wife. He practically told me his life story. He's from Michigan. I'm turning into my dad. I find people from Michigan... and I'm not even from Michigan! He asked me if I was married and had kids... 'tis possible, but I don't think I look that old... not that you have to be old... nevermind. The real inspiring part of his story was that he and his wife had been married 52 years. He said if he were to do it all over again, he'd choose her... that she was his rock, his buttercup. I had to smile. I like old couples that walk around holding hands, clearly still very much in love... it makes me feel warm inside.
My last customer at 4 that evening told me I was looking good... not exactly in the scary, "looking good way" although it was probably meant that way since he was younger. But I think that's a good way to end a long shift.
"I'm gonna soak up the sun, gonna tell everyone to lighten up" I went to the lake behind the church and ended up falling asleep on the dock. I'm not burnt, thank God... but I have an interesting tan line. I had to pee so bad I didn't want to walk all the way up the trail so I peed in the woods.
Today is my day off. I am going to drink my coffee and enjoy this morning.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

"You broke the night like the sun"

I think I'm enjoying work. I've been put on the register by myself a few times now... and usually it's the 24 hour tobacco lane. I hardly know anything about tobacco, snuffs or cigarettes so I have to ask the customer to point it out. My feet and back were hurting the first nine hours on the floor... but I'm getting into the routine so they won't be sore for long.
I love sleep.
I've only been able to listen to Hillsong United in my car the past week. I don't think I can get through the day without worship.
I was talking to a friend this morning... I said something about God being enough even when we don't see it--to which he replied, "especially when we don't see it." It just made me think... I don't see it now...

Take All Of Me

You broke the night like the sun
And healed my heart with Your great love
Any trouble I couldn't bear
You lifted me upon Your shoulders

Love that's stronger
Love that covers sin
And takes the weight of the world

I love You
All of my hope is in You
Jesus Christ take my life
Take all of me

You stand on mountain tops with me
With You I walk through the valleys
Your grace is all I rely on

I love You so, and I give up my heart to say
I need You so, my everything

Thursday, April 7, 2011

i'd feel much better i'm sure if i had a helicopter

Well. I completed and passed the 38 tests at Wal-mart. Now I begin real training. Ridiculous. Wal-mart is such a different work environment than what I've known. The employees are brainwashed slap-happy. It confuses me and I keep expecting them to show a true evil side... but, as long as it lasts, I love it. My last job, I realize now, had a negative, rather morbid setting. Even the managers are seemingly happy... and everyone is happy when they find out I'm a cashier. They need me. One of the ladies I had an interview with said she was glad I made it--she said she hardly saw the people after Tony--the store manager. She said I was great in the interview but Tony chooses people on first instinct... I met him, he shook my hand, asked me where I'd worked previously, said he liked my bag because it reminded him of hippies, and that was that... guess I make a good first impression? I like Tony.
So far, there is only one employee I think I do not like. His name is Hugh. He looks like an old pervert who seems to be in the break room every time I am. Today he talked to me for 30 minutes about his interest in rocks... I wished I wasn't on break. It'd be perfectly fine if he were a sweet old man just chatting along, but the way he talks makes me think he wants to flirt... and he winks at me.
Wal-mart has a cheer performed by all non-detained employees every morning in the store. Who knew? I'm at camp all over again.
I finally have work. Thank You God. I am exhausted.
I miss Josh. Unfortunately, he's all I can think about. I don't understand how or why something so wonderful can be tasted for just a few small moments, and you know all you've wanted was in that taste... but now it's taken away... maybe it doesn't want you anymore... I've never been so in love with someone... someone I can't have. Is there something wrong with me? Is there a reason guys give up once I'm all in... he said he's not prepared--all he can offer is a music relationship... you can't start something and then cut it off completely as if it didn't happen... God, I hate having a broken heart. I just wish I could ignore every feeling, every thought and get through.
There's a few guys who text me, one in particular a lot lately... I get excited every time I get a text in hopes it's Josh... only wishing he'd ask me how my day was going instead of someone else. I don't want anyone else to like me... I can't like anyone else... at this point, I'm not even capable of that.
Worship has proven still, my true happiness. The other night during the storm I couldn't sleep... I had a million ideas going through my head for lyrics. I am going to start writing. And Sunday morning I am hoping to sing Waiting Here For You by Christy Nockels. It has been playing nonstop every time I get in my car for a week now and I absolutely love it. You should come.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


Today has been a very long day. Tomorrow will be even longer. Walmart orientation is rather overdone, if I do say so myself. I am home now. I just want to relax... but all I find myself thinking is,
"I just wish you would love me."

Monday, April 4, 2011

"My soul, wait silently for God alone"

My heart has been so overwhelmed with longing... I want these dreams to come true. Is He telling me to wait? Be patient and trust, I know... if I trust, someday I will look back and think it all came about in His timing, He kept His promises and I shouldn't have been so anxious. Sunday morning was very difficult for me... my mind was elsewhere when practicing for worship.
My car has proven to be a perfect place to seek Him. I've let out many struggles behind that driving wheel... many desperate fights and tears, even screams... I've seen the sunrise, I've watched the stars, I have worshiped and cried there more than any place in my life. It was there, that He gave me peace... even through everything and where my mind wanders, still, He is my purpose. He is what I want... and more than anything my heart longs to be with Him. My prayer that morning was an old hymn, "Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary. Pure and holy, tried and true. With thanksgiving, I'll be a living sanctuary for You."

Monday, March 28, 2011


I watched Jensen Franklin online Sunday morning. He gave a sermon on prayer, and a challenge to the congregation. Instead of complaining to someone about the issues in your life this week, take them up in prayer. I've decided to try it. So I leave you with this challenge too. The Word tells us to pray continually as it is... just remember before the words, "this and this blah blah" start forming try to catch yourself...

Psalm 141:1-3
"O Lord, I call to You; come quickly to me. Hear my voice when I call to You. May my prayer be set before You like incense; may the lifting of my hands be like the evening sacrifice. Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips."

Friday, March 25, 2011

"I'm flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird."

Why is it so hard to trust someone who has never let you down? I have so many questions and doubts... I wish my brain had the capacity to understand everything I need to understand. I need to make a life for myself, but every time I try to get out it's like I get this sick feeling and I'm so scared I'll fail... I've doubted myself my entire life.
Going a whole week without seeing or talking to someone can make things so much worse... especially in thinking the relationship is completely over. I guess I was reliving having someone suddenly stop loving me. I saw Josh last night. I know he still cares for me. It doesn't change a whole lot on his part, but on mine and just knowing he wants me puts assurance on waiting. He still needs to get through past marriage issues and learn to trust me completely, but I am okay with taking this slow... very slow. I will get to that man.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


My body knows this pain... these emotional scars reopened. I want to scream this desperation. Every single part of my being wants to fight this.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I'm pathetic.

Why are men such lying assholes? All they do is talk... where are they when it's time to back that up? Cowards.
I hate that I'm like this. I hate that I have to be there for people. I hate that I need people... that I randomly talk to people just because I need to know they'll respond... that I need touch to know I can feel... so I'm not left holding myself...afraid that I'll hurt myself. I don't even want to look at myself.
What if I get lost in depression again? What if I can't get out this time? What if I just stop caring about everything... how many times can a person be taken to their limit without losing their mind?
He told me he loved me... he said he never wanted me to be alone again... he wanted to be with me forever... he promised. I hate myself for believing him. How stupid and naive I am. I honestly do not think I can ever trust anyone again. Trust is something rare and special, something worked for, that can only be broken so many times.

Monday, March 21, 2011

How long?

How many times can I trust someone only to have it broken? I'm so stupid... but where were the warnings this time? It was right. I know it was. I hate how I'm a push over... how I try to be there for people... and when I'd hope they'd be there for me, they're no where to be found. It'll be different this time... I don't need anyone, right? I can stop fighting it... can't I? I don't need to feel loved... to feel human touch to make sure I don't go completely numb. No one needs to know me... since when have they tried? It doesn't matter what I'm thinking.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


I'm so restless. It's time for something to change... I don't know what yet... a job would be nice... friends. I had two interviews with Brothers last week. They seemed to like me, but I haven't gotten a call.
Mom is gone this week with one of her friends at the beach. I've been doing all the housework and babysitting, seeing as I have no where to go. I don't really mind I suppose... what else am I going to do? But when the evening comes and I've done all the work there is to do --laundry, dishes, dinner, clean kids--I'm completely bored out of my mind.
Someone at church Sunday practically informed everyone that I look like I'm losing weight. "Are you losing weight?! You look like you're losing weight!" I haven't been trying to... but I probably am considering I hardly eat anything anymore. There's hardly anything to eat in the house except when dinner magically comes from nowhere... either that or you're out of luck and it's tuna and/or eggs. Need I say more? I'm just not hungry. Monday I decided to start running again everyday... I'm going to keep that up... it feels good to be sore... means I'm working.
Josh has been so busy lately... it scares me. We haven't been able to talk a whole lot, or see each other... something is wrong. I'm trying my hardest not to bug him. I'm trying to trust again... I just... I can't hear those words again. I never want to hear he doesn't have time for me.
I'm lonely. I haven't let someone close in a long time. I guess I've just been able to ignore that feeling because it's easier than trying... but last night I realized just how lonely I am. I was up late just reading a book... I couldn't sleep and Josh wasn't texting me. It's been such a long time since I've had girls to hang out with... to stay up late having "girl talk"... what is girl talk anyways? It just seems like all the girls around my age are the same... all they care about is how they look, what they wear, who gets who... I've been stuck in a guy crowd for so long I can't even tolerate girliness. It's never bothered me being the only girl in a group of guys either... people can think what they want, I don't care. I'm not a slut.
I need to get out of Blairsville.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Spaz: to malfunction, go on the fritz.

Have you ever had one of those freak moments where you're eating, and for whatever reason your arms spaz out and your food goes flying in every direction? Then you sit there in utter amazement thinking, "how did that happen?" I did that this morning... fruit loops went all over the couch. Then it was the pencil sharpener which got shavings all over myself and the floor. And then my open mascara, which I sporadically threw across the dresser. Losing control? I think yes.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Dream. that's the thing to do.


When I get a job, preferably a nanny job, I want to take piano lessons again so I can write more music. Get some dance lessons under my belt so I know a step or two. Save up for a new car, and maybe in the fall take an English literature course so I can start writing more. And someday, when I'm rich (because I'd have to be to pay for all the art supplies and photos printed), have a whole room collaged in my own photos and art. Record music, get out a CD... lead worship at churches, conferences and camps. Write a novel... get married... have kids... yeah... if only it were as easy as writing it out.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Me? Happy? That's an understatement.

I love you, beautiful. I hope you slept well.
I love you. I love that you say that every morning... like I did something to be thanked for. Makes me look forward to waking up.
You are just amazing to me. I can't help but let you know.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

"...He wounds, but His hands make whole." -Job 5:18

I'm ready for winter to be over. My mind is in the spring. I once heard that winter is a season to lose the bad...even if cold and painful, God will shed those scars to get to your heart. He did exactly that... and here I am. It was the lowest I have ever been in my life, but I held to His promises. He is faithful... don't ever forget that. It is one of the most important lessons a person can learn.

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven...a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep; and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones..." Ecclesiastes 3:1,3-5

I remember going through the psalms, and suddenly every prayer, every cry David made to God became mine...
"My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God." -Psalm 62:5-7

So many songs became my longing, my worship...I listened to them over and over again, the words speaking so clearly what my heart felt...
Times -Tenth Avenue North
Soon -Hillsong

"Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you. Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt.*Refrain your voice from weeping, and yours eyes from tears; for your work shall be rewarded, says the Lord. There is hope in your future, says the Lord.*Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.*I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; surely I will heal you."
*Jeremiah 31:3-4*31:16*33:3*2 Kings 20:5

Thursday, February 3, 2011

flat tire. typical.

There's definitely something about my family and bad luck with cars... this morning on the way for an interview I got a flat tire. It took the Allstate Company a little over an hour to get to me to put the spare on because I didn't have the equipment to do it myself... I'm not even sure I'd figure it out to do it myself in the first place, but I have seen a lot of tires changed in my short lifetime so I think I could handle it... maybe. So I sat in the cold, and waited... Now maybe I'm just stupid, but I find it hard to get panicked in situations like that... I just find it so hilariously pitiful. I'd like to cry, but all I can do is laugh thinking, "this would happen to me."
Peoples reactions to seeing other people stranded on the side of the road are quite interesting. They slow down as if they're thinking about stopping, they give you the most bewildered look, honk, (is that for good luck or something?) and then they keep driving... "nah, I change my mind. Here's a honk!"
So I didn't make it to the meeting. But I went by Antonietta's to see if there's the slightest chance they could be hiring this time, and I think it turned into a an interview because the manager talked to me for a long time. So, keep your fingers crossed, this girl could possibly get employed again. That is if my car doesn't decide to kick the bucket altogether.
What is with spare tires? Who invented that? Why isn't the spare tire--an actual "spare" tire instead of this puny little wheel that only gets you far enough to get a real tire?

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

What's new:

It is now 2011... that's new. January was in a hurry.
I joined two worship bands. The first I sang with at a weekend teen conference (and hopefully more to come)--which is currently being called the Josh Joseph band, and the Sunday morning worship band at the Methodist Church. I've been asked to record with several people, and I did a Paramore cover of Crush. It's very exciting and I'm looking forward to what's next.
I'm meeting with a woman on Thursday, which hopefully means I'll be getting a catering job... thank God because no one, and I mean absolutely no one, is hiring right now.
And last but definitely not least, I've met someone.

Tagged, I was.

The rules are as follows: List seven things about yourself that other people may not know, and then tag fifteen other bloggers (or, in my case, three).

01) I can lick my nose.

02) I have a flying squirrel.

03) Most people get the idea if I'm making fun of something, then I don't like it... I suppose with any normal person, that would make sense... but that is not the case with me, if I'm making fun of it, I like it.

04) I recorded a Paramore cover of Crushcrushcrush... you can listen to it here >

05) I am addicted to orange tic tacs.

06) I get the hiccups every time I eat carrots, pancakes and hamburgers.

07) I love ladaisi's blog!

I hereby poke the following:

Ayla -What? Mermaids?
Sarah-My Shady Grove
Priscilla-Take another step, don't give up on me just yet

If I didn't tag you and you want to play, no worries... go right ahead!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

my only desire to worship at your feet so let this fire consume my life let your love take me deeper draw me closer to where you are cause all i want is more of you