Monday, April 25, 2011

But it's a musical!!!

"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he's got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."
-Easy A.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

99.9% chance of rain.

Good things about today: An old man told me I was pretty and asked if my husband tells me that everyday. When I said I wasn't married he asked how I manage... good, or bad--that could be taken both ways, I suppose. I made it over 500 items scanned in an hour with a 100 scanning percentage.

Bad things about today: went to bed at 7:30 last night, got up at 5:30, still exhausted. Had a customer yell at me and a CSS for a coupon that wouldn't work. This morning it was super slow and I was bored out of my mind. This afternoon it was super busy and the lines were so backed up people got rude. Had an ex go through my line, although good to see him still alive, it was sad. Found out I can't go to Ohio at the end of this month for worship with the band because they didn't approve the dates I requested off.

I think I'm going to cry.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Sunshine, won't you be my sunshine?

Today was very long. I am completely worn out. I got to work around seven... the only good thing about getting to work that early is that I can watch the sunrise from the parking lot... in fact, I think that was the only good thing about today.
I broke down twice this week. Saturday night, needed engine oil, and today after work... something overheated... I'm not even surprised anymore when a tire blows or the steering wheel all of a sudden locks, or the car starts shaking... yeah... I've broken down so many times in my puny life span I expect it now. What never ceases to amaze me, though, is how people react to seeing you've broken down, are obviously stranded, and in need of assistance. No one ever stops! What a cruel world we live in.
I wake up a lot at night... I hear songs in my head... there's a lot of ideas floating around up there just waiting to be written on paper... get ready people.

I miss him. It hurts to miss him.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Old Couples.

Yesterday I had to leave for work at 6:30. I didn't know they don't unlock the other doors until 7, so I had to walk across the parking lot and run through the store to make it on time. I don't understand why anyone goes grocery shopping at 7 in the morning... unless they've decided to cook a big breakfast and absolutely have to go.
This old man started a conversation with me while waiting for his wife. He practically told me his life story. He's from Michigan. I'm turning into my dad. I find people from Michigan... and I'm not even from Michigan! He asked me if I was married and had kids... 'tis possible, but I don't think I look that old... not that you have to be old... nevermind. The real inspiring part of his story was that he and his wife had been married 52 years. He said if he were to do it all over again, he'd choose her... that she was his rock, his buttercup. I had to smile. I like old couples that walk around holding hands, clearly still very much in love... it makes me feel warm inside.
My last customer at 4 that evening told me I was looking good... not exactly in the scary, "looking good way" although it was probably meant that way since he was younger. But I think that's a good way to end a long shift.
"I'm gonna soak up the sun, gonna tell everyone to lighten up" I went to the lake behind the church and ended up falling asleep on the dock. I'm not burnt, thank God... but I have an interesting tan line. I had to pee so bad I didn't want to walk all the way up the trail so I peed in the woods.
Today is my day off. I am going to drink my coffee and enjoy this morning.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

"You broke the night like the sun"

I think I'm enjoying work. I've been put on the register by myself a few times now... and usually it's the 24 hour tobacco lane. I hardly know anything about tobacco, snuffs or cigarettes so I have to ask the customer to point it out. My feet and back were hurting the first nine hours on the floor... but I'm getting into the routine so they won't be sore for long.
I love sleep.
I've only been able to listen to Hillsong United in my car the past week. I don't think I can get through the day without worship.
I was talking to a friend this morning... I said something about God being enough even when we don't see it--to which he replied, "especially when we don't see it." It just made me think... I don't see it now...

Take All Of Me

You broke the night like the sun
And healed my heart with Your great love
Any trouble I couldn't bear
You lifted me upon Your shoulders

Love that's stronger
Love that covers sin
And takes the weight of the world

I love You
All of my hope is in You
Jesus Christ take my life
Take all of me

You stand on mountain tops with me
With You I walk through the valleys
Your grace is all I rely on

I love You so, and I give up my heart to say
I need You so, my everything

Thursday, April 7, 2011

i'd feel much better i'm sure if i had a helicopter

Well. I completed and passed the 38 tests at Wal-mart. Now I begin real training. Ridiculous. Wal-mart is such a different work environment than what I've known. The employees are brainwashed slap-happy. It confuses me and I keep expecting them to show a true evil side... but, as long as it lasts, I love it. My last job, I realize now, had a negative, rather morbid setting. Even the managers are seemingly happy... and everyone is happy when they find out I'm a cashier. They need me. One of the ladies I had an interview with said she was glad I made it--she said she hardly saw the people after Tony--the store manager. She said I was great in the interview but Tony chooses people on first instinct... I met him, he shook my hand, asked me where I'd worked previously, said he liked my bag because it reminded him of hippies, and that was that... guess I make a good first impression? I like Tony.
So far, there is only one employee I think I do not like. His name is Hugh. He looks like an old pervert who seems to be in the break room every time I am. Today he talked to me for 30 minutes about his interest in rocks... I wished I wasn't on break. It'd be perfectly fine if he were a sweet old man just chatting along, but the way he talks makes me think he wants to flirt... and he winks at me.
Wal-mart has a cheer performed by all non-detained employees every morning in the store. Who knew? I'm at camp all over again.
I finally have work. Thank You God. I am exhausted.
I miss Josh. Unfortunately, he's all I can think about. I don't understand how or why something so wonderful can be tasted for just a few small moments, and you know all you've wanted was in that taste... but now it's taken away... maybe it doesn't want you anymore... I've never been so in love with someone... someone I can't have. Is there something wrong with me? Is there a reason guys give up once I'm all in... he said he's not prepared--all he can offer is a music relationship... you can't start something and then cut it off completely as if it didn't happen... God, I hate having a broken heart. I just wish I could ignore every feeling, every thought and get through.
There's a few guys who text me, one in particular a lot lately... I get excited every time I get a text in hopes it's Josh... only wishing he'd ask me how my day was going instead of someone else. I don't want anyone else to like me... I can't like anyone else... at this point, I'm not even capable of that.
Worship has proven still, my true happiness. The other night during the storm I couldn't sleep... I had a million ideas going through my head for lyrics. I am going to start writing. And Sunday morning I am hoping to sing Waiting Here For You by Christy Nockels. It has been playing nonstop every time I get in my car for a week now and I absolutely love it. You should come.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


Today has been a very long day. Tomorrow will be even longer. Walmart orientation is rather overdone, if I do say so myself. I am home now. I just want to relax... but all I find myself thinking is,
"I just wish you would love me."

Monday, April 4, 2011

"My soul, wait silently for God alone"

My heart has been so overwhelmed with longing... I want these dreams to come true. Is He telling me to wait? Be patient and trust, I know... if I trust, someday I will look back and think it all came about in His timing, He kept His promises and I shouldn't have been so anxious. Sunday morning was very difficult for me... my mind was elsewhere when practicing for worship.
My car has proven to be a perfect place to seek Him. I've let out many struggles behind that driving wheel... many desperate fights and tears, even screams... I've seen the sunrise, I've watched the stars, I have worshiped and cried there more than any place in my life. It was there, that He gave me peace... even through everything and where my mind wanders, still, He is my purpose. He is what I want... and more than anything my heart longs to be with Him. My prayer that morning was an old hymn, "Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary. Pure and holy, tried and true. With thanksgiving, I'll be a living sanctuary for You."