Challenge

I watched Jensen Franklin online Sunday morning. He gave a sermon on prayer, and a challenge to the congregation. Instead of complaining to someone about the issues in your life this week, take them up in prayer. I've decided to try it. So I leave you with this challenge too. The Word tells us to pray continually as it is... just remember before the words, "this and this blah blah" start forming try to catch yourself...

Psalm 141:1-3
"O Lord, I call to You; come quickly to me. Hear my voice when I call to You. May my prayer be set before You like incense; may the lifting of my hands be like the evening sacrifice. Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips."

"I'm flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird."

Why is it so hard to trust someone who has never let you down? I have so many questions and doubts... I wish my brain had the capacity to understand everything I need to understand. I need to make a life for myself, but every time I try to get out it's like I get this sick feeling and I'm so scared I'll fail... I've doubted myself my entire life.
Going a whole week without seeing or talking to someone can make things so much worse... especially in thinking the relationship is completely over. I guess I was reliving having someone suddenly stop loving me. I saw Josh last night. I know he still cares for me. It doesn't change a whole lot on his part, but on mine and just knowing he wants me puts assurance on waiting. He still needs to get through past marriage issues and learn to trust me completely, but I am okay with taking this slow... very slow. I will get to that man.

...

My body knows this pain... these emotional scars reopened. I want to scream this desperation. Every single part of my being wants to fight this.

I'm pathetic.

Why are men such lying assholes? All they do is talk... where are they when it's time to back that up? Cowards.
I hate that I'm like this. I hate that I have to be there for people. I hate that I need people... that I randomly talk to people just because I need to know they'll respond... that I need touch to know I can feel... so I'm not left holding myself...afraid that I'll hurt myself. I don't even want to look at myself.
What if I get lost in depression again? What if I can't get out this time? What if I just stop caring about everything... how many times can a person be taken to their limit without losing their mind?
He told me he loved me... he said he never wanted me to be alone again... he wanted to be with me forever... he promised. I hate myself for believing him. How stupid and naive I am. I honestly do not think I can ever trust anyone again. Trust is something rare and special, something worked for, that can only be broken so many times.

How long?

How many times can I trust someone only to have it broken? I'm so stupid... but where were the warnings this time? It was right. I know it was. I hate how I'm a push over... how I try to be there for people... and when I'd hope they'd be there for me, they're no where to be found. It'll be different this time... I don't need anyone, right? I can stop fighting it... can't I? I don't need to feel loved... to feel human touch to make sure I don't go completely numb. No one needs to know me... since when have they tried? It doesn't matter what I'm thinking.

March.

I'm so restless. It's time for something to change... I don't know what yet... a job would be nice... friends. I had two interviews with Brothers last week. They seemed to like me, but I haven't gotten a call.
Mom is gone this week with one of her friends at the beach. I've been doing all the housework and babysitting, seeing as I have no where to go. I don't really mind I suppose... what else am I going to do? But when the evening comes and I've done all the work there is to do --laundry, dishes, dinner, clean kids--I'm completely bored out of my mind.
Someone at church Sunday practically informed everyone that I look like I'm losing weight. "Are you losing weight?! You look like you're losing weight!" I haven't been trying to... but I probably am considering I hardly eat anything anymore. There's hardly anything to eat in the house except when dinner magically comes from nowhere... either that or you're out of luck and it's tuna and/or eggs. Need I say more? I'm just not hungry. Monday I decided to start running again everyday... I'm going to keep that up... it feels good to be sore... means I'm working.
Josh has been so busy lately... it scares me. We haven't been able to talk a whole lot, or see each other... something is wrong. I'm trying my hardest not to bug him. I'm trying to trust again... I just... I can't hear those words again. I never want to hear he doesn't have time for me.
I'm lonely. I haven't let someone close in a long time. I guess I've just been able to ignore that feeling because it's easier than trying... but last night I realized just how lonely I am. I was up late just reading a book... I couldn't sleep and Josh wasn't texting me. It's been such a long time since I've had girls to hang out with... to stay up late having "girl talk"... what is girl talk anyways? It just seems like all the girls around my age are the same... all they care about is how they look, what they wear, who gets who... I've been stuck in a guy crowd for so long I can't even tolerate girliness. It's never bothered me being the only girl in a group of guys either... people can think what they want, I don't care. I'm not a slut.
I need to get out of Blairsville.

Spaz: to malfunction, go on the fritz.

Have you ever had one of those freak moments where you're eating, and for whatever reason your arms spaz out and your food goes flying in every direction? Then you sit there in utter amazement thinking, "how did that happen?" I did that this morning... fruit loops went all over the couch. Then it was the pencil sharpener which got shavings all over myself and the floor. And then my open mascara, which I sporadically threw across the dresser. Losing control? I think yes.