I kissed a toad

I’m sitting here eating animal crackers and listening to Death Cab for Cutie’s “I’ll follow you into the dark”. I assume these are real animal crackers… this one might be a cow… I’m not really sure. I think the donkey is the only animal you can tell is an actual animal and not some deformed piece of cracker clumped together… donkeys are probably the least appetizing, though… I mean honestly, who would want to eat a donkey?
Well, Friday I drove to Murphy with mom. I’m getting better at driving… well, except when a cop tails me. I pulled onto 19129 and then noticed the car behind me. “Oh crap, is that a cop?” I immediately thought of Stephanie and all the times I’ve yelled cop in the car and she’d scream and go off the road. I went five under the speed limit half the way there until he finally passed me and I could breathe again. I know that cops are supposed to be the good guys, but can I help it if I hate them sometimes for tailing me? I will never understand how those directors managed to make the popo fat lazy bad guys who sit around all day eating doughnuts—now that’s just a dirty twisted insult… they drive around all day looking for someone to pull over just for the fun of it, and they don’t eat doughnuts they eat Blimpies.
I got my hair trimmed and layered more. And I also got a red-ish purple highlight in the back… I like it. Cheri (the woman who did my hair) also straightened it which was awesome because I’ve never been able to straighten my hair before… so it was a new experience for me and it looked pretty cool. I got my ear pierced again so now I have three in one ear. And I found some jeans… that never happens. My mom actually bought two whole outfits (it’s a miracle—that never ever happens). It was so boring sitting in that salon waiting for the dye to kick in… I sat there for thirty minutes looking at stupid magazines reading about Brittany Spears and the people in and out of her life now… lol… and there were these dumb flies going around the room that kept buzzing near my head. That killed me. When my hair was finally done and it looked all cool and everything I was browsing around Wal-Mart and this oldish guy probably in his forties was walking by and he was smiling at me so of course I smiled back… wouldn’t you? Only then I realized from the way he asked, “how are you?” that I probably shouldn’t have smiled… oh boy. That was rather disturbing. What’s with the creepy old farts always winking?
On the way home I was pulling out of this gas station on a hill and so I’m just waiting there with my blinker on, waiting for the traffic to go by so I could pull out… so this dude at the end of the line is coming and he’s got his blinker on so of course I’m thinking—well, he’s turning, I can just go… right? Wrong. Never trust those blinkers. He could have hit me if it weren’t for mom yelling (probably the first time she’s ever said anything than just sitting there holding on with wide eyes when I drive… just kidding)… so I pulled off the road and let that stupid idiot pass me… whew.
And now for the whole purpose of this entry--if the title wasn't driving you nuts already... yes, it's true. I kissed a toad! I found a big toad the other night but it got away… otherwise I probably would have kissed it then. Don’t ask why, I just felt like it… just for the purpose of being able to say: “I have kissed a toad.” So, I found the toad again today and I picked it up and kissed it. It wasn’t so bad… lol… don’t say it, I know I’m insane. But I did brush my teeth—and lips—after I kissed him so I won’t get warts… most likely… haha. I’m rather disappointed… where’s prince charming? Maybe it was a girl toad… How can you tell the difference with toads?
Well, I shall take my leave after that most disgusting news you've probably heard all day so you can ponder why you are friends with me... avua!

smithy

i'm not dead... i'm getting better... i'm feeling happy!

well... i just decided to post because i haven't posted in forever and yeah... no reason, really, just that it's late and i'm the only person up in my house and i have nothing else to do... so there you have it. This is my post... and now i'm thinkin i'd like to find some ice cream. I'll post more (hopefully) someday soon for all you homies out there... toodles
smithy

Miss Parton emitted a delighted giggle, and mr. Ingelby who hated giggles, fled.

We’ve been eating lots of fruit… peaches, pluots (that’s like a mix between a plum and… something)… it doesn’t taste very good, though. More like someone’s experiment gone bad—I wonder how it got in the market. Well, besides those, we’ve also got cherries—the good real ones, and honeydew… I wish we had watermelon; the weather is perfect for spitting seeds at each other. That is if the watermelon is extra cold because you can go outside for just a few minutes and get sweaty just standing there. It’s been getting up to the nineties almost every day now, and I’m not kidding—it’s hot! I’m so glad we have air conditioning. This morning it was real cool out and Tim and I sat on the deck just chillaxing and talking about stuff. It feels like a day to go toobing or white-water rafting, it really does. It doesn’t seem like Summer… it’s like it came so soon I missed the starting point.
We took Matt Houston out for dinner at the Big Cheese in town---a very, very postponed birthday gift from last year. I haven’t seen him in months and to tell you the truth it really wasn’t the least bit awkward. But then I wasn’t in the happiest of moods and didn’t notice much. He looks absolutely the same, but he has gotten funnier—that’s for sure… I don’t remember him so funny. We ordered spaghetti with meat balls, which was also part of the gift because it’s Matt’s favorite. The spaghetti sauce had a strange sweet taste to it and I didn’t really like it, but I was starving so it didn’t matter, and at least the giant meat ball invading my plate was delicious. We all had to get to-go boxes because they gave us so much food.
Saturday night we went to the drive-in theater in Blue Ridge to see Confu Panda. It was incredibly packed so we had to park way in the back and sit in the gravel parking lot. Matty came with us, Jesse, the Abbotts, Ayla and Beth too and we sat on the cars and lawn chairs and April and I sat on a blanket on the ground. After a while your butt was so sore it went numb so you couldn’t feel anything anyways, but it got harder and harder to see the screen because this stupid man parked right in front of us and he kept walking around his truck and blocking the screen even more—no kidding, during the WHOLE entire movie---until I was just about at the point of either going over there and personally telling him to hit the road, or throw rocks at him. And just before the end of the movie these stupid girls came driving by with their brights on—in our faces---and they parked next to the stupid guy walking around his car... and then I really wanted to tell them to move. It wasn’t the greatest first experience of a drive-in theater, but it was still fun despite how hot it was, and then how sticky I felt afterwards.
I’ve started reading Song of Solomon… I don’t really know why, just the book I came across and decided to read. Some of the words like most of the “breasts” I crossed out when I was little because I thought it was disgusting. Well, this one verse Solomon wrote I just really, really love goes like this: “For love is as strong as death.” Isn’t that beautiful? I’m sure all of the book is beautiful poetry, for that time, but right now to have a man tell me my breasts are like fawns and my teeth are as white as the sheep coming up from washing—wow I think I would have to laugh at him… or puke, either one seems good.
I love those tiny sand boxes with the rakes you know, the small ones you usually find in therapist’s offices on the desks (and I would know because I've been to so many ;) ...the kind that is supposed to sooth you while you draw pictures in the sand. I absolutely love those things!!! I know I would never get any school done if I kept one on my desk.
I’ve been reading Murder Must Advertise and I’m only on the fourth chapter but I know I’m going to like it because Mr. Ingleby is hilarious, and you know how I love hilarious characters. Here are some of my favorite quotes of his (so far): “Three years in this soul-searing profession have not yet robbed me of all human feeling. But that will come in time.” “Let me take you to your dog-kennel.” “He has been on the point of leaving us for the last five years.” “Damn and blast Nutrax,” said Ingleby, “May all its directors get elephantiasis, locomotor ataxy, and ingrowing toe-nails!”
I love this part in The Catcher in the Rye:
“It was dark as heck in the foyer, naturally, and naturally I couldn’t turn on any lights. I had to be careful not to bump into anything and make a racket. I certainly knew I was home, though. Our foyer has a funny smell that doesn’t smell like anyplace else. I don’t know what the heck it is. It isn’t cauliflower and it isn’t perfume—I don’t know what the heck it is—but you always know you’re home. I started to take off my coat and hang it up in the fower closet, but that closet’s full of hangers that rattle like madmen when you open the door, so I left it on. Then I started walking very, very slowly back toward old Phoebe’s room. I knew this maid wouldn’t hear me because she had only one eardrum. She had this brother that stuck a straw down her ear when she was a kid, she once told me. She was pretty deaf and all. But my parents, especially my mother, she has ears like a dang bloodhound. So I took it very, very easy when I went past their door. I even held me breath, for goodness sake. You can hit my father over the head with a chair and he won’t wake up, but my mother, all you have to do to my mother is cough somewhere in Siberia and she’ll hear you. She’s nervous as heck……..Finally, after about an hour, I got to old Pheobe’s room.” (Really most of that has cuss words, but I decided to make it decent for you.)
You know why that book is called “the Catcher in the Rye”? He only mentions it once or twice and somewhere near the end of the book this kid is singing this poem by Robert Burns that says something like, “if a body meets a body in the rye.” Well, he decides he wants to be in a field of rye and catch kids who go running off the cliff… isn’t that crazy? I think it’s hilarious they named the book after that.

i luv this test

STUPID TEST

[x] You've run into a glass/screen door.
[ ] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle[x] You have thought of something funny and laughed, then people gave you weird looks.
[x] You have run into a tree/bush.
[ ] You know that it IS possible to lick your elbow.
[x]You have tried to lick your elbow
[x] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle , Twinkle Little Star have the same tune.
[x] You just tried to sing them.
[x] You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen.[ ] You have seen the Matrix and still don't get it.
[ ] You've never seen the Matrix.
[ ] You type only with two fingers.
[x] You have accidentally caught something on fire (usually on purpose though)
[ ] You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose/eyes.
[x] You have caught yourself drooling.
[ ] You have fallen asleep in class and started to talk/drool, or snore.
[x] Sometimes you just stop thinking.
[x] You are telling a story and forget what you were talking about.
[ ] People often shake their heads and walk away from you.
[ ] You are often told to use your 'inside voice'.
[x] You use your fingers to do simple math.
[x] You have eaten a bug
[x] You are taking this test when you should be doing something more important.
[x] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn't realize it.
[x] You've looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand.
[ ] You forward forwards because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don't.
[ ] You break a lot of things.
[ ] Your friends know not to use big words around you.
[x] You tilt your head when you're confused.
[x] You have fallen out of your chair before.
[x] When you're lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture of the ceiling.
[x] The word 'um' is used many times a day.
Now count them up and put 'I've done 21 stupid things out of 36' in the stupid test...

dang

today is my birthday. i'm old.

storms

It was in the beginning of March when the storms came. We needed the rain from the long winter drought, but the terrific show that came along sent shivers through me. It had been a long day and as soon as the sun melted like layers of a peeled orange beyond the horizon, blackness crept through filling the shadows and leaving a silent hush over the forest. A wispy spell of rain traveled throughout the trees like a soft melody tucking them in for the lonesome night. A slick white tail of lightning shrieked through the starless sky followed by a rumble that washed excitement over me as I gazed out the glass window. The wind howled like a lonely dog, and the crack of thunder repeated relentlessly. The naked forest was awakened and waving in the careless wind as if saying goodbye to an old friend. I could see the ditches begin to fill with thick muddy water as it slid down the mossy bank like a snake. There was a constant dripping in the gutters above me as the rain began to fall more vigorously. It pounded the surface so densely and fast I felt it was strong enough to send a little wave. I could almost taste the ocean salt already. But the air was fresh, humid but clean like the oak trees now soaked in tears. I began to wonder at the black wearisome clouds. Why did they cry so?
I could imagine a weeping willow in this storm, its vines lashing against the wind like lightning, and as it always faces down never looking to the sun as if its arms no longer moved but wilted and blew like feathers in the forceful breeze. It wept, and in the dripping rain it resembled wild tresses of hair masking an obscure hollow trunk, coarse and shedding bark like an aged weather-beaten house.

an old dream

I had a very strange dream last night. I don’t remember how it started… but I do know that I wasn’t in the dream, I was watching the dream as if it were a movie. I remember there was this little cottage in the middle of the woods on a mountain and this very large, fat woman owned the cottage. She was married to a frail, skinny, skinny old man with a chin that popped out like Pop-eye, and also a pipe that looked like Pop-eye’s, and he also squinted with one eye. Maybe he was Pop-eye. He wore jean overalls and a white undershirt with a cap and wobbled around with a crutch. The fat lady with short dark brown hair wore an xxxxxxL yellow polka dot dress with lace and little slippers. Now in this cottage my dream took place. One night the old man, I think his name was Jim, sat in the dining room at the table thinking hard about something. He knew there was something tricky about the house after he went to bed so he decided he would wait it out to see what would happen. But as long as his presence stayed in the dining room nothing happened. Just then a rock was thrown against the window. Jim heaved himself up with creaking bones and wobbled over to the window with the meanest expression an old man can give. There outside the window were about five children, looked like street children dressed like newsies. One little boy waved at Jim motioning him to come down. Jim just about opened the door when he was pulled back inside by something… something had grabbed him. He yelped and was flung back at the table losing his crutch. The little boys, seeing the surprised old man disappear ran up the deck stairs and tried to pull the sliding glass door open to get in the cottage. Jim looked around but didn’t see anything. He saw the little boys trying to get in but he couldn’t move. The boy who had wanted him to come outside smashed the glass window and led the troop in. There was a lot of commotion as they tried to get to Jim who seemed tied to the floor. Just as they passed over the checkered ground a large face appeared from a cabinet and then an arm with a chair for a hand caught one of them and pinned them against the wall. The little boy screamed and all of them got out their sling shots to fight the creature. As the boys were occupied getting free from the now alive kitchen Jim felt himself in a current of wind and floated down the stairs and into the laundry room just before his wife’s room. He didn’t want to wake her because he knew she would be furious so he tried his best to get back upstairs to help the little boys. Try as he might the furniture wouldn’t let him and he was pulled back down time and time again. Jim had finally figured out what was so haunted about this house… it was alive! Minutes later the boys came running down the stairs, they grabbed Jim and pulled him up and managed to get him out the broken sliding glass door just as he grabbed his crutch. Jim heard something he would never forget at that moment running or more like being carried down the stairs as the boys rescued him. It was a roar from his wife and the whole house seemed to quake under the power of it. Jim ran as fast as an old man can with a crutch. He ran down the winding road that led up the mountain to the house and just as day break came he disappeared into the woods on the side. His wife wasn’t far behind him huffing and puffing as she heaved her large body down a step on the road. She looked as if she might have a stroke any minute and her breathing was so loud Jim could hear it all the way down in the woods behind a tree. She stopped and looked around her as the sun just began to pop over the hills.
“JIM!!! COME BACK!!!” She yelled in such a deep voice it was almost worse than her roaring. She was madder than mad… and even though it could be heard all the way down the mountain from her anger, anyone who saw her running down the mountain new there was something terribly wrong because she was never, ever seen from that cottage. Many people believed she would never make it from the door. So as she stood there looking out into the woods Jim held his breath and frantically tried to plan an escape route. The boys who had run all the way down the mountain screaming brought the whole town back up the mountain in a commotion. The mayor decided to hold a town meeting on the roadside where Jim’s wife stood breathing like an elephant and peering out over the side like a stone. Jim would have to wait them out.
“Here here! Everyone take a seat!” The mayor yelled glancing at the large lady in the yellow polka dot dress before him. He couldn’t believe she was out of the house and no matter how polite he tried to be he couldn’t help staring; none of the town could. No one had ever seen her from the house before. She was even larger than the stories. The kids were too scared to laugh and they cuddled beside their mothers who quickly put a protecting hand over their eyes.
“Mayor the house is alive!!! And this lady here has something to do with it I tell ya!” yelled the little boy who had broken the glass door to save Jim.
“I see, and what is your name young man?” the mayor asked as he slammed his piece of wood to keep the towns people from the chattering gossip.
“Travis, sir. I know what I saw and that house was alive!” Travis yelled as he raised his arms and got his gang of boys to shout with him.
“Quiet down everyone! Please!” The mayor yelped over the boys small voices.
As the meeting was going on Jim slowly climbed back up to the road-side, cut across and went up into the woods just as soon as the meeting adjourned. Just then he heard the threatening loudness of his wife’s words.
“Anyone who finds my husband I’ll pay a thousand dollars to!”
Everyone stared at her in silence amazed that she could speak over her heavy breathing. She eyed all of them with such annoyance that everyone scrambled about in the woods and roadside to find Jim.
Travis’s gang split up to find and escape with Jim so Travis began looking as he paced down the road with his hands in his pockets and his brown cap tilted to the side. He stopped a moment, dusted off his brown jacket and just as he was doing so he saw a girl standing there. She looked at him curiously, her blue eyes never leaving his. She wore a white dress with a blue ribbon, black boots and her blond hair was done up so it looked unrealistic.
“I’m Polly.”
“I know who you are. Now what’re you doing in my way?”
“Well, I was wondering since everyone else is scattered around the mountain and I’d rather not look alone with that over-grown woman on the loose, maybe I could search with you.”
“I don’t want any company, especially from a girl.”
“Oh but I won’t bother you. I won’t say anything. I promise. Please?”
Travis put his head down and walked by her just as any eight or nine year old does when they’re moping. Polly turned around and followed with him a smile. At first she skipped, and then she walked alongside him all the while her eyes searching him.
“What’s your name?”
“Travis.”
“Oh that’s a nice name. So where are we going Travis?”
“Away from here,” Travis mumbled.
“We are going to look for Jim, aren’t we?” she questioned eagerly.
“That’s what I’m planning.”
“Oh okay… so if we find him, can we split the thousand dollars?”
“No. How can you think of that? Giving poor old Jim up to a fat beast like her, I’ll never have it! Jim and I are going to escape. Besides, he’s got plenty of money, gobs and gobs of it and I could care less of that big woman’s money. Her house is haunted I tell you! I think all these years she didn’t want Jim to leave so she made the house come alive to make sure he never left. Well, I’ve done it now and Jim is free. Free, ya hear? He deserves it! So when I find him we’ll ride away in a carriage and never come back here again.”
“Oh how wonderful! Does Jim have lots of money? Does he have diamonds?”
“Oh yes, diamonds and rubies and all sorts of things. Jim and I have known each other for a long time and we’ve been on many adventures together,” Travis lied just to keep Polly’s nosy attention.
They walked on down the mountain at a slow pace and for a while nothing was said until Polly broke out, “Travis I’m hungry, I am!”
Travis stopped and pointed to a bush as if he didn’t hear her. He walked over to it and began pulling off black berries and plopping them in his mouth one by one. Polly watched how peculiar he looked and walked over to the bush. She pulled a berry off the thorny branch and starred at it.
“Oh Travis these berries are covered in cobwebs! I can’t eat these!” Polly exclaimed.
Travis licked his purple fingers, munched down the last of his bite and began walking again. Just then a black carriage rolled down alongside the children.
“You kids wanna ride?” the driver asked peering out the window at them.
“Sure!” Travis said excitedly as he opened the door and jumped in. Polly pulled herself up and took a seat beside him.
For a while it was silent except for the horse’s trotting on the dirt road until someone in the front seat began speaking in a low voice to the driver. Travis made most of it out.
“We’ll keep him for ransom is what we’ll do. That lady will pay more than a thousand to have him back. Let me tell you, we’re in luck this time. We’ll be rich!”
Travis feared they were speaking of Jim and he bit his lip.
“You kids looking for Jim?” the man asked in the front seat.
“Yes’m.” Polly answered.
“There’s no need. He’s already been found,” he laughed in a low grumble and looked behind the children.
Travis swung his head around and jolted when he saw Jim with a bleeding lip and sitting with tied hands on the very back seat behind him.
“NO!” Travis yelled. He quickly turned around and jumped forward to attack the man.
I am afraid I cannot tell you the ending of the story because it was here that I woke up.